Letting go

If someone told me a year ago that I would have this beautiful baby in my arms, I would have told them there is no chance. A year ago I had the unfortunate experience of a miscarriage. To be told your baby doesn't have a heartbeat is the cruelest thing someone can say. For years, the doctors told me I would never conceive due to the problems with my uterine walls. Cyst upon cyst had scarred the tissue. Getting pregnant was an absolute miracle. Then I lost the pregnancy. I thought, is this what I'm in for? Is this what the doctors really meant? That I would never carry a baby to term? I couldn't even think about it at that point in time. The realities of a miscarriage were just too fresh. 

Then, just two months after, those two lines appeared on a pregnancy test again. I couldn't believe it. It took me two ultrasounds and 4 rounds of bloodwork to convince me that this pregnancy was actually viable. Even then, it took my 19 week ultrasound to make me truly think, "that's my baby in there". I was terrified something would happen, and I would lose this child too. My obgyn scheduled me every two weeks to see him, and hear the baby's heartbeat. It was strong from the start, but that still did nothing to delay my fears. 

It wasn't until he was laid on my chest after delivery that my fears were put to rest. I was able to let go of the fear that had prevented me from enjoying my pregnancy. And this may mean I will be able to have more kids, but until then, he is my miracle, and I am grateful everyday of his presence in my life.